


you were an angel in the shape of my mum

by wafflesofdoom



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mother's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 03:31:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10453992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom
Summary: robert hated mother’s day.he hated it more than he ever hated father’s day, more than he hated any other day of the year.robert struggles with missing his mum on mother's day, and aaron helps.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i've ignored the entire prison storyline for this because i can, really. just so you're aware!
> 
> title taken from supermarket flowers by ed sheeran.

Robert hated Mother’s Day.

He hated it more than he ever hated Father’s Day, more than he hated any other day of the year. For weeks in the lead up to the dreaded day, every shop he walked into was decorated with hearts and flowers and bright banners that declared it was time to treat your mother with some overpriced chocolates and a tacky card.

He couldn’t even escape it in David’s, the shop decorated in shades of purple and pink, Tracy over-ordering flowers, the place fit to burst. 

All of it, every heartfelt card and bunch of flowers reminded him of what he didn’t have, what he hadn’t had since he was fifteen.

A mother.

He woke up on the dreaded day, and he willed it to be over. 

A whole day of seeing everyone in the village dote on their mothers, seeing everyone get into the spirit of it all, it was going to be awful. He’d decided he was already going to find an excuse to skip out on the lunch Victoria had organised for the two of them and Diane, and as he laid in bed, listened to Aaron shuffle around their room, he tried to think of a reason as to why he couldn’t go with Aaron to the Woolpack that morning, and have breakfast with his mum.

Robert liked Chas. He did, he liked Chas a lot, actually. 

But not today. 

He didn’t want to have to sit there, and watch her dote on Aaron, and gush about how cute he’d been as a child, and pretend like it didn’t kill him to have to watch Aaron be gooey around his mum, when his had been lying in a grave for the past fifteen years.

“Robert, we’re going to be late.” 

Robert opened his eyes at Aaron’s words, his husband already dressed. It was a beautifully sunny day, but he didn’t really have the heart to enjoy the thin grey t-shirt Aaron was wearing, the one that usually made him want to drag his husband right back to bed and show him just how much he loved every inch of his muscled chest. 

“I’m getting up,” he said quietly, knowing it would just put Aaron in a mood to argue with him on the breakfast. Liv had gone to Ireland to see her mum for a few days, off her own back, surprisingly.

She’d left on Friday with a cheeky grin, having emptied Robert’s wallet, and promised she’d text when she landed. Their WhatsApp group chat had been an endless stream of Liv’s complaining, and a few pictures of a sunny Dublin dotted in between.

Robert’s arms felt too heavy for his body as he dressed, buttoning up his shirt slowly. He'd picked out the blue one that morning, remembering how his mum had always teased that blue was his colour.

That it had brought out his eyes. 

He’d loved the colour blue ever since. 

“Mum’s going to love the spa weekend,” Aaron commented, picking up the envelope. It had been Robert that had suggested the spa weekend at Barden Park, knowing Chas would love the experience.

Robert gave Aaron a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “She will,” he agreed, fastening his belt in place. “Marlon cooking this morning then?”

Aaron nodded. “They’re doing a Mother’s Day brunch in the pub or summat. It’ll be better than mum’s cooking, anyway.”

“Don’t let her hear you say that.”

Robert was trying to be normal. He was trying his best to laugh, and joke, and play along, knowing Aaron and Chas hadn’t always had the best relationship. He didn’t want to ruin their day together by admitting he wasn’t handling it all very well. 

Robert shrugged on his blazer, pocketing his wallet and his phone. “You ready to go then?”

Aaron nodded, pressing a kiss to the corner of Robert’s mouth. “Thanks for agreeing to this. I know it’s early n’all, but it’s my mum. You know? Have to keep her happy.”

Robert nodded, hating the way his heart clenched at Aaron’s words. “Lead the way,” he plastered on a smile, following Aaron out of the flat, and into the bright spring afternoon.

The weather had been unseasonably warm, the past day or so. It had given them the chance to have a proper look at the garden of the Mill for the first time, dreading the amount of work that was to come.

They’d have to get Doug involved, Robert had decided. Diane’s husband was the only person he knew who was any good when it came to gardening, and he’d take any excuse to have a new project to work on.

The walk to the Woolpack was brief, too brief, really, because before Robert had the chance to mentally prepare himself, they were stepping into the backroom, Chas sweeping Aaron up into a bone crushing hug. 

Robert was going through the motions as he greeted Chas with a smile, the three of them sitting down at the kitchen table as Chas ripped into her card, delighted as she unfolded the voucher for a spa weekend.

He’d made his mum a card, once. 

Robert must have only been five or six, and he’d made the card at school. He’d been so proud of it, though in hindsight he knew it had probably been a glittery mess, but his mum had loved it.

She’d scooped him into her arms, and held him close, and thanked him for being so kind. 

Robert missed that. He missed having a mum to hug him close, and tell him that he was kind, and good. His mum had always believed he was a good person, no matter what mistakes he’d made.

Sarah Sugden had been his biggest supporter. He'd give anything to have her here now, by his side, making him believe he was enough, that he was good enough. 

It wasn’t the same, with Diane.

Diane had seen him make all his biggest mistakes, and she knew all the bad parts of him, the parts his mother was saved from seeing.

 

_Poor Sarah. She’d been heartbroken, if she knew what you’d become._

 

Would she hate him, Robert wondered? Would his mum be as disappointed in him as Diane was? 

He hated to think she would be. 

“Robert, you should have seen him when he was a toddler. He would just chew on everything, it didn’t matter what it was. Oh, love - there was this one day, you managed to get into my drawers, and I found you chewing on a pair of my knickers. I’ve never laughed so much!”

Aaron flushed bright red. “Mum, come on. I hear that story every year, do you really need to go there?”

Robert forced a grin. “That was the height of you being a ladies man, eh?” he joked, earning himself a pinch in the side from Aaron. 

“I suppose I should thank you too, Robert.” Chas smiled, sipping her cup of tea. “If it was up to this one, I’d still be getting mother’s day cards with twenty quid shoved inside.”

Robert swallowed thickly, feeling tears prick at the corners of his eyes. “You only deserve the best, Chas.” he said. “And it was either that or he gave you one of his high-vis vests, so I stepped in.”

“Oi! What’s this, gang up on Aaron day?” Aaron rolled his eyes, the gesture goodnatured. “What time are you meeting Diane and Vic for lunch, by the way? It’s all she’s been banging on for days, mum.”

Robert looked between his husband and his mother-in-law, feeling oddly dumbstruck. “I’m not.”

“What, why? Vic’ll go mad, Robert, she’s had this organised for ages.”

“I don’t care.” Robert blurted, standing up abruptly, scraping back his chair. “I can’t do this.”

“Robert, what’s wrong?” concern was evident on Aaron’s face.

“I can’t do this.” Robert repeated, hoping they'd get the message, but Chas and Aaron simply exchanged looks of utter confusion. “I’m going to go see my mum. You know, at her grave.”

He didn’t mean to sound so snappy, but he couldn't help but wonder why they hadn’t noticed.

They knew.

Everyone knew.

Robert left the Woolpack in a rush, heading for David’s. Tracy was behind the till when he stepped inside, greeting him brightly. 

He didn’t reply, heading straight for the flowers and cards, picking out a card with a short and sweet poem on the front, decorated with butterflies. There wasn’t a great selection of flowers left, but he spotted a bunch of peach coloured roses that he figured his mum would like.

As he was paying, he grabbed a box of chocolates, a kind he vaguely remembered his mum liking. Jack would buy them for her sometimes, when they’d had a fight, and she’d always sneak him one.

The caramel ones had been his favourite. 

“Diane getting treated today then? Your Victoria was already in this morning, buying all sorts.”

“No.” Robert said quietly, passing Tracy a twenty pound note. “They’re for my mum.”

Realisation clouded Tracy’s face, and she gave him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, Robert. I didn’t think.”

Robert shrugged, gathering up his purchases. “S’alright, not like it’s your fault, is it?” 

Without another word, Robert turned to leave the shop, ignoring Tracy’s calls for him to take his change. 

The walk to the graveyard was short,and it only took him a couple of minutes to get to Sarah’s grave. It was mossy, he observed, kneeling down so he could brush away the worst of it, making sure her name was on clear view. 

Robert settled himself down on the ground, propping the bunch of flowers up against the slate grey headstone.

 

_Devoted mother of Robert, Andy and Victoria._

 

“Happy Mother’s Day, mum.” Robert said quietly, looking down at the box of chocolates in his lap for a second before he ripped off the plastic, opening them up. “I bought you your favourites."

His only answer was the distant chirping of the birds who’d made the graveyard their home, the sound of cars passing through the village. Rooting in the box, Robert found the one’s his mum had always loved, the ones filled with strawberry flavoured cream.

He set it down on the grass in front of her gravestone, putting another into his mouth, grimacing at the taste.

He’d always hated the strawberry ones, hated the fake strawberry flavour.

Still though, his mum had liked them. 

“I miss you.” Robert said. “I miss you all the time, but today most of all. Aaron’s got his mum, and she loves the bones of him. It’s sweet, it really is. Liv’s gone to see Sandra, and even Vic’s got Diane, and I’ve not got anyone.”

He wiped at the tears that had started to spill from his eyes. “Mum, I’d give anything to have you here, even just to talk to you for a minute. I wish I could tell you I loved you again, I wish you could tell me you were proud of me.”

He paused, the ache in his chest getting bigger. “I wish I knew you were proud of me. Not a lot of people are, you know, and for good reason. But I hope you would be, I hope you’d be proud of me.”

It was getting hard to talk now, and Robert stopped to take a few deep breathes, looking down at the chocolates in his lap. “I bought you these for mothers day once, didn’t I? I’d been a right brat all week, and I wanted to say sorry. I spent my lunch money on them, and you were so mad that I’d gone the whole week at school without lunch.”

Robert snorted at the memory. “People wouldn’t believe me, if I told that story now. If I tried to tell them that I loved someone so much I went a week without school dinners to buy them a measly box of chocolates,” he took another chocolate from the box, picking one of his favourite caramel ones this time.

His mum had always given all of those ones to him. Jack had liked the caramel ones, and Sarah had always pretended as though she’d eaten them all herself, winking at Robert as he sat on the living room floor, cheeks like a chipmunk, full of chocolate.

They’d had some good times. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you in a while,” Robert said, feeling slightly queasy as he ate another chocolate. “I got married, mum.”

Even the word made his heart beat a little bit faster. They’d been married a month now, and it was still such a novelty, the two of them well and truly in the midst of the honeymoon period.

Well, as much as the two of them could be.

“You’d like him.” Robert continued, thinking of Aaron. “He’s good for me, you know? He makes me better person. Better than I ever thought I could be, and I’m happy. God, mum, I’m so happy. I didn’t know I could be this happy - is that sad? I didn’t think I could be this happy.” 

He hadn’t.

Robert hadn’t thought he could feel this happy for the rest of his life, not until he met Aaron. With every other person he’d been with before Aaron, he’d been hiding a part of himself.

He never realised how absolutely toxic it had been for him to ignore his sexuality until he actually stopped ignoring it.

Robert felt free, these days. 

Like he could be himself for the first time in his entire life. 

“It was a crazy wedding.” Robert smiled at the memory. “I’m a Dingle now, you know. How mad is that? It’s nice though, it’s nice to be part of a family again. Us Sugden’s haven’t been much of a family since we lost you.”

Sarah dying had really been the beginning of the end. They hadn’t felt like a real family, not without her.

Robert thoughtfully chewed on one of the fudge chocolates, his tears starting up again. He wasn’t bothered to wipe them away now, didn’t particularly care how mad he looked, sitting cross legged on the grass, crying as he ate his way through a box of chocolates.

“I wish you were here.” Robert said simply. 

That was all he wanted, really. He wanted his mum, he wanted to be able to buy her some ridiculous overpriced spa weekend, and treat her to lunch, and buy her a tacky card, and just have a mum.

He looked up as he heard crunching behind him, seeing Aaron crossing the graveyard, looking apologetic.

“I’m sorry I stormed out,” Robert mumbled, his gaze returning to the half eaten box of chocolates.

“I’m sorry I was so insensitive.” Aaron countered, sitting down next to him. “I figured your mum was a wine person.”

“Huh?”

Aaron gestured to the bottle of wine he was holding, clearly pilfered from the pub. “I used to bring cans here, when I came to visit Jackson. I figured we could have a toast to your mum.”

“You don’t have to spend your mother’s day here, Aaron.” Robert shook his head.

“I want to be there for you.” Aaron said softly. “You have been there for me during the worst times of your life, Robert. Just, let me be here for you, okay?” 

Robert nodded, unable to protest. He needed Aaron today, he just hadn’t known how to ask for it. “I bought her favourite chocolates,” he lifted up the box. ‘You want one?”

Aaron nodded, taking a random chocolate from the box, unscrewing the cap of the wine. “So. Happy mother’s day, Sarah.” he cheers the wine bottle toward the headstone, taking a swig. 

Robert felt his heart swell as he watched Aaron. What did he ever do to deserve him?

“I bet she’d be raging, you eating all her chocolates.” Aaron commented, passing Robert the bottle of wine.

“She used to give me all the caramel ones.” Robert nodded, taking a drink. Aaron and nabbed one of the good bottles of wine, though he assumed it was entirely by accident - his husband drank wine if it was put in front of him, and that was about it.

“I like the strawberry ones.” Aaron admitted, taking another chocolate.

Robert smiled sadly. “So did she,” he said quietly.

“We’d have got on then.” Aaron nudged with a grin. “Go on, tell me about her. I want to know more about your mum.”

Robert was silent for a second, thinking back over the years he’d had with his mum. For a long time, it had been too hard to talk about his mum, too hard to relive all those memories and know he wouldn’t get any more with her.

But now, he wanted to tell Aaron about her. Tell her about how she’d wake him up on the morning of an exam, or a test in school with a cup of tea and a kiss on the forehead, tell Aaron about the walks they used to take on the farm together, watching the sun set over the rolling hills of Yorkshire.

So he did.

And for the first time in fifteen years, mother’s day didn’t feel like the hardest day of the year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

** fin **

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i need robert to talk about his mum so much more. i bang on about this 24/7, i know, but i need it.
> 
> i'm robertsuggles over on tumblr!


End file.
